Feeling out of control and anxious can be pervasive and are not new to the human condition. There are many unsupportive things we do to avoid our anxiety or feeling helpless or out of control. We might drink or take drugs. When we feel a lack of love we may overeat. When we fear a lack of material wealth we might hoard. When we fear the loss of a relationship, we may try to control the other. Resolving anxiety is an immense proposition. It involves acceptance and healing past wounds. It is about being secure within ourselves and self-soothing.
One concrete path is to “Do Our Best.” This is both the Cub Scout motto and a major metaphysical tenet. I have often suggested to people (and to myself) that we remember that we have done our best. Doing our best helps us let go and accept a situation. For example, if we have a legal problem or law suit and an upcoming court appearance, it is helpful to remember that we have done our best and that is all we can do. If we remember that we have the best attorney we could afford and we have done our best to give our attorney what they need to succeed, we will then be more able to accept the situation and let go of our anxieties. Our anxieties are an aspect of our searching for control and doing what we can to gain control is a healthy part of human nature.
The coronavirus is likely to be exacerbating our feelings of helplessness. We are afraid of getting sick or dying. We are afraid of giving the virus to others. And we are told, for the most part, to stay home and not do anything. It is almost a bad joke that while this trauma is motivating us to control our environment, a key solution is for us to stay home and do less. Retreating or withdrawing are human instincts to protect ourselves, but with COVID 19 our impulse is more likely to be to do something to create safety or security and to avoid feeling helpless. This is counter intuitive.
So, we do what we can. We shop for supplies. In Seattle, when we were told to have enough supplies for two to three weeks in case we needed to self-isolate, there was a run on the grocery stores and on toilet paper. I have heard talk that the timeframe for self-quarantine will likely need to be extended beyond 2 or 3 weeks, and people continue to shop in what I perceive to be a trance of fear. Having supplies gives a small sense of control and unless we work in healthcare, government, or public safety, it feels like nearly the only thing we can do.
There are many deep aspects to the anxieties we are feeling. We are likely to be triggered into feeling our previous losses and fears. Our fears of the virus are also compounded by the prescribed isolation. I hope to address these in the months to come. Being anxious and isolated is a recipe for more anxiety.
What else can we do right now?
Service:
Helping to serve our community as it survives this pandemic would likely make the biggest difference to our sense of purpose (or control). But most of us just need to stay home. But there are still things we can do, such as helping hospitals by sewing surgical masks.
We could also take on a job in the grocery or delivery business. We can fill this void by serving our friends by communicating. I plan to write another blog entitled “So, is Social Media Healthy Now?” Irronically, yes it can be healthy.
Homework:
We could spring clean our dwellings, catch up on paperwork, or help our children with their school work. In my case, I have been avoiding writing for the past two years. While I am also busier with clients (mostly via video calls) the need to stay home has pushed me to write this blog and I hope to revise my book.
Exercise:
If we can exercise and maintain at least a 6ft rule then exercise could be an investment similar to catching up on homework. We can catch up on fitness. Sadly, many places have put a ban on non-essential activity. But online exercise is available.
The main thing I want to share for now is that it is helpful to accept and embrace feelings of helplessness. Many of our health and relationship challenges stem from our pushing to be safe and by doing things to be in control. I have long said that we should spend at least 5 minutes a day surrendering to feeling helpless. If we sit or lay down and allow ourselves to feel helpless and even unable to move, it will help us heal the pusher within. We will give ourselves more space to be present. We will also be more directly self-soothing our fears. Let’s let go of being “human doings” and in doing so we will be learning to be more present. The trauma this pandemic is causing can make us more fearful, or it can be a stimulus toward healing our old fears and embracing beingness. Let’s invest in our communities and ourselves. It is ironic that a quarantine or a 6ft rule could lead to greater intimacy.
Meanwhile by doing what we can, we do our best and doing our best helps us be less anxious.
Love,
Peter
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