Internet Dating Part V: When to Hide Your Profile

Here is the last installment on Online Dating. Perhaps I will soon combine all five into one article or appendix to my book. Blessings, Peter

While I have coached my clients about how to best use online dating sites for many years it was only a few years ago I tried it for myself. I have only used Match.com a few times since and each time I would only have my profile visible for a week or two. A few of the times I pulled my profile because I had met someone with whom I was pursuing a relationship. Other times, I hid my profile because I wanted privacy – I felt sensitive to having my profile seen in the community and wanted to reduce the chances of my clients seeing it.

Of all my opinions and experience with online dating, when to hide or remove your profile, is probably the area where my feelings have changed or expanded the most. At first, I nearly felt that if I kissed someone that I should hide my profile (and vise versa). As a man who has a strong investment in being sexually appropriate and respectful, I certainly felt that once I was clear that I wanted to be lovers with someone that I should remove my profile. I also felt vulnerable if the other person kept their profile visible when they were seeing me.

I was once even offended and hurt when someone with whom I had a strong second date (which included some kissing, and plans to see each other again soon), seemed to be very active online, or as Match said “online now.” I had another woman whom I became lovers with keep her profile up, and when I asked her about it she said ‘she wanted to be monogamous but she also felt we should be opened meeting other people….. And, if she did become lovers with someone else that she would not expect to continue seeing me.’ She did take her profile down soon after, only to put it back up again weeks later. While I am not the most jealous person in the world I did instinctively knew to look for her profile, and when I saw it, I discussed it with her and told her I could not go “deep” with someone who was “shopping.” Her Facebook page seems to indicate that she was shopping for someone with more discretionary income than I had. 🙂

I had another two-month relationship with someone I met on Match.com end when she put her profile back up without telling me. When I asked her about this, she said ‘that’s how I meet friends.’ I promptly ended that too.

So, what is right for you? What do you need? Here are some variables I think it is helpful to consider:

• Hiding or removing your profile may help to develop trust.
• We also need to move as slow as we can, and some people may feel pressured of suffocated if you remove your profile.
• Discuss this with the person you are dating and be clear on what it all means to each of you.
• Try to not behave like an addict that is always online. That’s not sexy.
• Remember that we can’t trust Match.com’s clock or what it really means to be “online now.”
• Consider minimizing the time you go online by: Not responding to emails that don’t interest you; Saving or printing profiles that interest you so you can look at them again without being online; Doing all your correspondence once or twice a week; and moving to regular email with people you are communicating with ASAP. I am guessing the validity of these ideas would vary from site to site, and would change over time as these sites change. Do you do these? What else?
• Additionally, I think it is best to not have your profile up for long periods of time. The first week I tried Match, I had a very sweet woman tell me ‘Peter, you don’t want to keep your profile up for too long, it is weird seeing the same people over and over.’ As time went on I definitely noticed this too. There were times when I wasn’t seeing anyone and would look at profiles, and I would see the same people over and over. In general, I think most of us are less likely to trust these people. We are apt to view them as players or serial daters.
• Remember your worth. It might be a good thing if the person you are dating is still online. It might help them realize how amazing you are.

This last idea speaks the most to what has evolved for me about online dating and when to hide or remove your profile. I have relaxed a bit. How someone deals with their profile and how they communicate with me would still be a key to my trusting them (See Internet Dating Parts I-IV). I would also remember to be impeccable, congruent and integral with your own participation. But also try to relax and see life as a global village of friends, who in this case, are trying to find a pen pal, friend, lover or partner.

A central theme of my book, The Monogamy Challenge, says:

May we all have “The Strength to Want.”

Peter