Peter’s approach to all counseling is complex and based on the client’s needs. With couples this is even more unique because there are two different identities and sets of needs interacting. Initially, opposites attract and a couple is attracted to each other’s differences. Later when the “honeymoon” is over the differences become a source of stress or conflict which tend to trigger old issues. When dealing with their issues people tend to communicate critically or contemptuously and their partner tends to respond with defensiveness or by withdrawing. Sometimes the “honeymoon” lasts years and others only months, but eventually every partnership will likely trigger old issues and differences. These are likely to create additional problems in the area of communication where defensiveness and criticism flows back in fourth in an escalating fashion. More on couple counseling ››
By the time most couples seek counseling they feel that their main problem is communication. If this is the case a first step in counseling is to create more effective communication and learn to let go of being critical, contemptuous, defensive or withdrawn. Stress can result in people being critical. If you feel criticized you may defend yourself by attacking or being critical in return. Your vulnerabilities can make you feel defensive when you are not actually being criticized. For some couples just getting help in this area fulfills their goals. For others this is just a starting point because they want to address what fuels their communication problems. It is also normal to need help with present time differences with money, sexuality, time, work, play, children, domestic roles and more.
Another important topic is that our partner will likely trigger old wounds and unresolved issues from our past. It is as if our differences and the poor communication about them combine, and our partner becomes a walking trigger of our past. In simple terms this means that most couples have three big areas to focus on: communication, present concerns like money and sexuality, and the past issues that are getting in the way. Ideally a couple will be able to address these together. It takes good communication to explain to your partner what is really going on for you and it takes good listening skills to hear them without getting defensive. It is also valuable to go beyond the sphere of communication and address the deeper wounds. It is easier to express and listen when you are aware of what your triggers are. Not all couples need to pay the same amount of attention to the past issues but it helps to see all of these layers.
Peter views the major past issues as stemming from our birth, family, and society. It is not just our family history that is important. Sometimes it is more helpful to look at the circumstances of our own birth experience because our major negative beliefs about ourselves originated there, and it can be an easier point in time to see our wounds and relationship conflicts. Understanding our beliefs about ourselves, and how they stem from our birth and family experience gives us a very powerful way to understand and resolve what the real triggers are.
Differences and conflicts can also be a source of inspiration. The process of relationship forces us to bump up against many old unresolved issues and heal them. It may not always be comfortable but it is a deep and meaningful aspect of the metaphysics of relationship. We are attracted to our opposite and this becomes a healing process. In the beginning we receive their differences and become more whole and feel the euphoria of love. Later when stress has entered the picture and we become more critical of our partner, they are serving us by bringing us to terms with our old issues. Relationships can be seen as a form of networking where we connect with someone who is different and in doing so we learn acceptance. We are embracing the whole of life and not just our own personal preferences. As we accept our partner we learn to accept ourselves on a deeper level.
Peter works independently in his Redmond office. For people who live in the Seattle area he usually recommends weekly sessions. He is also available for intensive work with individuals and couples from out of town. Some travelers may do sessions daily or every other day for a week or more.