The term commitment phobia invokes images of the fear being suffocated or trapped in a bad relationship. While this is part of the issue, a more common pattern, and more valuable use of the term is that people fear commitment because they fear they will not be able to be a good or successful partner themselves. We hold back because we fear we are bad. If we feel inadequate or that we will be unable to please our partner we resist commitment. We hold back to protect ourselves from upsets, but also to protect others from us, and our unconscious feelings of shame or toxicity. To the degree that we feel shame we will hold back to protect others from being hurt or negatively impacted by us. When we feel we are a good person we can instead more easily step forward into relationships and trust that the outcome will be successful.
In part 2, I talked about how perfectionism results in paralysis’s us and makes us afraid to try. Here, I am saying something quite similar, and the more dramatic term of “Commitment Phobia” helps us continue to look at some powerful stuff. There are many things we need to heal to feel good about ourselves and how we affect others. Intimacy triggers our subconscious feelings about how we literally “rub off” on others. It is powerful to see that when we fear commitment we are afraid to put our energy into a situation. If we fear what could go wrong, we are also validating the notion that we might make it go badly.
There are many layers to healing shame and feeling worthy of being alive. Doubting the goodness of our existence stems from the guilt and shame that fuel our perfectionism and commitment phobias. In Chapter 28 of book, The Monogamy Challenge: Creating and Keeping Intimacy, I talk about various “Birth Scripts” and how they create core guilt or shame that makes us fear we are bad. For example, if our parents did not want us or if we were a mistake or a burden, it contributes to our feeling unworthy of being alive. This is contrary to feeling good about intimacy. In chapter 29, “The Infant guilt syndrome: Causing our Mothers Pain.” I address a specific piece of this we all share on some level. The Infant Guilt Syndrome is the notion that we hurt our mothers when we were born. Our fear of hurting people can then result in our avoiding relationships or also acting that belief out and doing things that do hurt people. As I say in Chapter 29:
“No matter how gentle or natural our birth, one thing we all have in common is that we hurt our mothers. If our delivery was difficult or if our mother had a strong fear of the pain of childbirth, then this issue might have become our core negative. Especially if the more basic loving and belonging issues were okay, then causing pain may have been the key stress surrounding our delivery. We tend to focus on whatever is our “weak link,” and if causing our mother pain was ours, we may have focused on it and worried about it since.”
And:
“It is valuable to realize that there is a connection between birth, pain, and sex. Our whole existence is affected by the connection between sex, childbirth, and pain. Sex can lead to birth, which causes pain. The result is that we have unconscious issues in which we expect sex to hurt and cause us pain (sometimes physically). With this unconscious expectation for sex to cause pain, we are driven to act it out. Having affairs becomes one of the easiest ways to hurt the ones we love. Both men and women experience both sides of the issue, one where we fear hurting others and the other, where we fear being hurt.”
The solution is to remember we are good and instead of fearing our badness realize that relationships are a healing path we can use to learn and remember we are good. This will involve affirmations like: “I am good for (my partner);” and “It is safe for me to be powerful with (my partner).”
It will also help perfectionism and commitment phobia if we relax and take one step at a time. Relaxing our possessiveness as much as possible will also help. The discussion at the beginning of the book on “The Possessive Archetype of Marriage” will help in an abstract way because the fear of hurting or disappointing someone is based in part on the faulty assumptions that we are a possession that is responsible for others.
Maintaining an “Opened System” (chapter 34) helps too. Do not fall into the illusion that a relationship is not an object or a promise. Commitment is for us. It is best felt on the inside, like committing to a path we care about. AND, even if we are scared of being alone and want to make sure our partner is perfect and will never leave us, it is nearly essential to comfort our fears and let go of trying to control love to create security. It may be scary at times but we must let go and treat people as sovereign individuals. This will help everyone BE in the relationship one step at a time.
To the love we deserve,
Peter
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