Readers of my book have been asking me how online dating fits into “The Monogamy Challenge: Creating and Keeping Intimacy.” I have LOTS to say about this. Dating and online dating will be the focus of my next few blogs.
First, lets be precise and note that online dating doesn’t actually exist. Online searching does. Looking at profiles, exchanging emails, talking on the phone, and even having coffee are not dating. These communications are steps toward meeting someone to date. Dating is what begins after we are beginning a connection with a real person. This would mean that Internet dating begins after we connect outside of the Internet. As long as we are still attached to the online aspect we are potentially still in a “shopping” mode that will cause some problems. This will be clearer in future blogs when I talk about some valuable “do’s and don’ts.” And it is not just the men who shop. Many women sabotage the process of connecting by being in a shopping mode.
Next, lets give the Internet some credit. Dating sites would not exist if they were not a valuable way to find a suitable date, lover or partner. I have long said, “spirit knows more single people than we do.” This means it helps if we trust the laws of attraction. Most of us are only looking for one person. So whatever the odds of that person existing are, it helps if we trust the metaphysical process of asking for them to come into our lives. Now with the Internet, spirit has a database. We can express our needs and desires and reach across town and start a conversation.
Another way I like to describe this value is to imagine that we are single and attending a social event with 100 people. Perhaps half of those in attendance are in relationships. Another half are the wrong sex. Others are not close enough in age, body type and so on. We might be in a room of 100 people but only two of them would be suitable for us to consider dating. How do we find them without neon signs? At least when we are looking on a dating website we are looking at people who claim to want a relationship.
Now for some of the pitfalls (which in the next blogs, I will help solve) of online dating. It seems to stimulate the addictive, perfectionist, serial dating, shopping, fantasy based compulsions, which result in habits of “seeking, but not finding,” the relationship we claim to want. I like to sum this up by saying, “it can be dangerous to give a kid the keys to the candy store.” In my book, I talk about many ways that “closed systems” stifle relationships, but it is also possible that Internet dating and even Facebook have created so much openness that they have given us some new hurdles in our intimate and monogamous relationships.
Before my next blog, I would love to hear you thoughts, feelings, ideas, and stories about Internet dating. Have you tried it? What worked? What didn’t?
To speaking up and reaching for our hearts desire,
Peter
As a specialist in Narcissistic Abuse I can say that many of my clients met the narcissist in their life through an Internet Dating site and found out later in their relationship that this person was still keeping his options open. If the narcissistic person does take down his/her profile once entering a relationship it goes right back up the second the relationship is on the rocks. Most narcissists will have a new “source” lined up before letting go of the old and when they do let go it is abrupt. So be aware of the charmer, Mr. Charasmatic, and any signs of aloof, confusing or non committal behavior. And…I wouldn’t assume you have met Mr. or Mrs Right until that Online relationship becomes “in person” and you have had enough physical dates to get a strong sense about who this person is. Narcissists are excellent “pretenders” and what better place to “pretend” than on the Internet.
Well said Kaleah, I have heard and experienced this myself. Establishing trust is key and not easy to do when as I have said “It can be dangerous to give a kid the keys to the candy store.” Thanks, Peter
An interesting and timely post. I completely agree with Peter that one really good thing about online dating is that it is filled, presumably, with people that want to date and are available. Not always true, but it usually is. Any discussion of online dating will also need to address the “serial deception” that goes on at dating sites. This isn’t exclusive to one sex. Both men and women who have played with online dating can tell many stories about the falsities people tell in their profiles — from their age, occupation, to their availability. (I always wondered about that .. when they finally tell me they are xx years older than they initially reported, why do they think that that lie will be OK with me?)
While online dating can encourage meeting and connection, it is also an ideal vehicle for those who want to hide out and not communicate. It’s a place where the accepted mode of saying “no thank you” is to ignore the person who just wrote to you, which is standard operating procedure. To follow the golden rule and keep the best energies flowing, I recommend that people take the 60 seconds necessary to respectfully decline. Just about anyone would prefer that over no reply at all.
Thanks Mitch, Well said. Respect is always something to embody. Blessings, Peter
wow, what a timely article! Wise words abotu spirit knowing mor singel people than I do! I am tryign ads in c/l and get a lot of spam and rude stuff. I also have encountered many ‘shoppers’ who act offended if nudged o rpushed to meet. And finally as i am rather into physical fitness and ehalth and I say so. I have been asked many times to help someone to lose weight, rehab after surgery. It becomes an energetic drain to deal with. Do you have suggestins about this type of situation?
Thank you
Hi Frannie,
It sounds like each issue is a bit different. Mainly I would just keep communicating and try to work with each issue as they arise. Be clear on what works for you, what your needs are and set boundaries!
Blessings,
Peter