I don’t know anyone who would publicly admit to asking me to write this, but I do know people who will appreciate it. There are many people who are frustrated with their partners’ lovemaking or lack of it. There are many things that go wrong after the honeymoon phase of a relationship. One of these that I address in length in my book, The Monogamy Challenge, is the lack of frequency of sex, but we will also benefit from discussing the quality of the sex we do have. This is an even harder issue to admit to. Couples understandably do not want to criticize each other’s lovemaking. But in the privacy of my office, I hear many individuals express that their partner is a crappy lover. So here we go… How can you make your partner a better lover?
First, I want to give you a couple of big and difficult answers. Being a good lover is like becoming a better person. It is about becoming more emotionally and kinetically intelligent. It is about becoming more comfortable with your feelings, and with expressing your feelings. It also is about being comfortable with your body and with sex. It is about healing deep insecurities, shame, and sexual taboos. So, one part of the larger answer is to begin, or continue, all forms of therapy now! Everything from counseling, meditating, singing, massage, to acting class will help tremendously. The breathwork I facilitate (it may also be available from a practitioner in your area) is actually the most profound transformational process I have found for anything because it creates deep energetic healing and opening.
Another simple reminder that your own personal growth is important is that good sex is about receiving. Learning to feel worthy and learning to receive will help you bring out the best in your partner. I will come back to how both partners need to become better lovers in a moment.
Another part of the big answer is that being a good lover is like becoming a leader, a listener, and a massage therapist all in one. Comparing good, deep, and sacred sex to massage is unfair, because in that comparison being a good lover would mean using your body, including your mouth as the massage tool. While I am reminding you that nearly all personal development will effect our sexuality, and we all still have a lifetime to growth to pursue, lets also use these same points to remember that we are likely not novices in life or the bedroom, so lets go forth and share what we can with our partner.
Now back to perhaps my most immediate suggestion and why I am writing this blog: You can make your partner a better lover by becoming one yourself. Sure that sounds obvious, but lets look at how you might be unaware of how this is relevant in your relationship. For those in long-term partnerships, this may be similar to how the polarizations that have happened since the honeymoon phase or your relationship ended, have resulted in withdrawal, criticism, and defensiveness. Most people who want their partner to be a better lover are in a state of withdrawal themselves. They are protecting themselves by waiting and wanting their partner to make the first move. They want their partner to do something to make things better or in this case, be more passionate. It is hard for your partner to be more passionate if you are holding back. It is almost as simple as you need to help them loose control by losing control yourself. How are they going to feel comfortable being strong, sensitive or noisy if they feel you are waiting or watching them? Both parties need to feel comfortable exploring a wider range of acceptable responses to making love, and by letting go and being more expressive yourself, you will help your partner do the same.
So, no noise is wrong, and if you don’t like how your partner grunts, screams, or breathes try to keep those judgments to yourself. If you have serious problems with something they do you can mention it tactfully. Lets expand on this by answering the question, how do you make your partner a better kisser? Often it is as simple as saying ‘honey could we try kissing like this?’ and then kiss them the way you would like. I have suggested this frequently and have nearly always heard that the other person likes the better kiss, and then it can become the new norm.
Patriarchal issues are no doubt part of this. Women need to let go of waiting for the guy to always be the leader and men need to step up and deal with the pressure of being expected to be the leader. In my next blog, I may go into length on the male aspect of this and talk about how one reason some men are crappy lovers is performance pressure. Since they fear they will not be able to please their lover, they don’t even try. For now, I am telling both parties to go for it and express more in their lives and in their lovemaking.
One suggestion, and also a good way to view this is similar to playing the game warmer/colder. You can validate any improvements in your partners touch by expressing more pleasure. By expressing, or even exaggerating the sexual pleasure you are feeling when your partner is on the right track, you will teach them what you like and you won’t even have to ask. This works great when they are touching you non-sexually too. It is like telling them to do more of what is working by expressing your delight with both words and sounds. Your delight will also help as I suggest above, by making the expression of passion more common.
Creating increased enthusiasm makes it easier to discuss things that are harder to share about. By taking responsibility for enjoying sex yourself, and for expressing your sexual feelings however big or small they may be, you will be helping your partner feel like a good lover and they will be more able to hear other more specific requests without feeling criticized.
Soon you will be more able to say things like: “honey, I don’t need to orgasm every time, but as you know, I need quite a bit or oral stimulation in order to orgasm.” Or “it would really help me if you could be more aggressive and just take me and….” Also try to incorporate your desires into your words. Share your enthusiasm with your partner and go the direction your desire. By sharing simple passionate things you can help your partner know what you want and the dynamics you want: “Oh baby, what do you have here?…. oh, I need some of this…. are you going to give me this (take this) here?”
One of the many things in my book, The Monogamy Challenge, that will also be directly applicable to this blog is Chapter 22 Understanding Your Arousal Pattern. It will help you understand and admit more of this and the words above won’t feel quite as silly.
To our sexual vitality, to liking sex, and reminding each other that we like it,
Peter
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