Is it true that men are less often monogamous than women? Why? And how do you attract a monogamous man or maintain a monogamous relationship? For now, lets skip over the issue that genetic or anthropological forces of non-monogamy may be stronger for men, and approach this from another angle. How can a woman attract a monogamous partner? To attract a monogamous partner you do not need to change an entire species, at least not if you are only seeking one partner. So lets let go of thoughts like “men are this way” and women are “that way” and instead work within ourselves to be receptive to attracting and manifesting our hearts desire.
Next, let’s state the obvious: you can’t make someone do or say anything. You may be very wounded and have low self-esteem. You may have attracted men, who like your father (or mother), have had affairs. But you can’t make someone monogamous and you can’t make him or her have sex with another. If your partner has an affair you did not cause it. They are responsible for their actions and you are responsible for yours. You may have contributed equally to the problems your relationship is having and there are always deep issues for us to work on to create more successful relationships. You are also responsible for your reactions if a partner has an affair or is not monogamous.
Remembering to take responsibility for your issues and reactions will help you be strong instead of just feeling like a victim. That strength will help you have a more balanced response where you can also challenge your partner to take responsibility for their actions. This is part of having a higher self-esteem that will command and attract a monogamous man. It will also help attract a current partner to maintain a monogamous relationship. If you go into blame or a vulnerable victim mode, it will exacerbate a defensive reaction from your partner.
It is most helpful if we stand as tall as possible in our life and feel worthy of the relationship we want. We can be is a deserving beacon of light that is more apt to attract love and respect. Having a strong sense of self-esteem before we enter a partnership will help to attract a monogamous partner because it will convey, (with less judgment) that monogamy is our expectation. If we are in a relationship where our partner has had an affair it will help convey the same expectation and help the course of the relationship move back toward monogamy if that is our choice. If we stand tall and worthy, not only will we be way sexier, we will be commanding respect without even having to ask for it.
Self-esteem is a huge and vague topic with many aspects and many layers. It is not as simple as looking in the mirror and saying: “I love myself, I deserve a monogamous relationship.” Increasing self-esteem involves resolving old shame. This shame is usually subconscious. Conscious or not, we all carry some wounds about our existence not being a good thing. I encourage people to do deep work about the origin of negative beliefs like: “I am not good enough;” “I am not good enough as a woman (or man);” “I am a burden;” “There is something wrong with me;” or “I am not wanted.” Self-esteem and the resulting strength and boundaries cannot be faked. Any and all personal growth will help us resolve negative wounds and beliefs. The more we work with our issues, the more understanding we will have about how we have attracted loss or lack in our lives, and the more we will truly believe we deserve what we want and need.
Our self-esteem is always evolving. It is not a simple or an “all or nothing” issue. I am fond of saying that we all have high self-esteem and we all have low self-esteem. Most of us have higher self-esteem now than we did earlier in our lives and for many that means that their partnerships were founded on weaker footing than we have today. We may have entered into our relationships with less worthiness, and in a sense, a less monogamous expectation on some level. Regardless of our relative strength or evolution, healing from a partner’s affair can be compounded because it will inevitably make us regress to our most dependent self. It is hard to be strong and deserving when we have been hit with such a vulnerable loss of trust or security. Remembering to empathize with ourselves is an important first step.
In my book The Monogamy Challenge: Creating and Keeping Intimacy I address many aspects of relationships, sexuality and monogamy. Here, I want to highlight a simple aspect about how integrity and monogamy can be connected. Being clear in our own integrity will help you stand strong and clear about asking for what we want and need. Any form of lying, illusion or deception creates an ambiguity that erodes the strength of intimacy and leaves a relationship more susceptible to one or both parties having an affair. Sexuality is not the only arena where the word betrayal can be fitting. Sometimes when we are forming a relationship we might be in a sense trying to sell our partner on our benefits and on some level create lies or myths our self. When we spend our energy doing this, we are actually not present to noticing if our partner is capable of monogamy. We are also not in touch with the inner strength that would help us attract monogamy or convey that expectation.
Being untruthful or lacking integrity can have a similar impact as a partnership evolves. If we are not doing our best in taking care of ourselves, our finances, or our sexuality it can create an ambiguity that is similar to lacking a monogamous commitment. Facing our own issues instead of avoiding them is an important aspect to creating integrity and commitment. When we act clearly and honestly ourselves we will be more likely to attract the same and at the very least we will be more able to notice if something is not clear and honest.
Worthiness can be conveyed without demanding or controlling our partner. If we approach your relationships from our own inner strength our actions and communications will be less apt to trigger negative responses or rebellion in others. I have long appreciated the notion of negotiating from strength. There is a difference between saying: “I need a monogamous relationship or else I want to separate” and “I need and deserve a monogamous relationship.” With such a complex and challenging topic I recommend that most of us keep things as focused as possible on deserving what we need and let “with whom” evolve as naturally as possible.
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