I have said that we need my book as much after “Tiger” as we did after “Clinton and Lewinsky.” Truthfully, we have always needed it. My parents needed it. Fortunately for me, 🙂 talking about my book holds my interest because it is about relationships and not just fidelity.
I want to share an excerpt from my Book “The Monogamy Challenge: Creating a Keeping Intimacy” and my thoughts on the subject. I again notice how difficult it is to condense the information into what works best for a blog. The content of my book falls into two big arenas: Maintaining Monogamy (if that is our choice), and Creating and Keeping Intimacy.
When someone in a monogamous relationship has a sexual relationship outside of the partnership, I view it as a ‘triangle’. IÂ help people look at the relationship dynamics of all three sides. Each of the three people involved will likely have their own unique issues and motivations, many of which are sub-conscious. Seeing everyone’s side can help us see, feel, and resolve our part of the “triangle”.
One of the many things that people who have affairs are likely to have in common is some sense of entitlement. Entitlement is a word I often use with two very different meanings. It can be a positive and valuable word to describe our need to have more self-esteem and feel more entitled, and sometimes I use it to describe a negative pattern of how we might be behaving selfishly or expecting to have things that are not fair.
Below is an excerpt from Chapter 31: Privilege, Power, and Entitlement, (Page 212) where I am discussing that for someone to have an affair that they have to on some level justify it by feeling superior or entitled. Sometimes this kind of un-healthy entitlement can also come from feeling like a victim who deserves extra. We all need equal relationships on so many levels and for so many reasons.
“… To work with this issue means being committed to equality and to eliminating all power imbalances—including the patriarchal ones in our subconscious. This means not only learning to honor each person’s contribution and to let go of the illusions of superiority but also to be diligent at uncovering the subtle and insidious ways that superiority comes out. The first step is to get out of denial and accept that we have all had some influences that led us to believe that we are superior. Understanding these influences enables us to move forward more consciously and not act on these beliefs. Patriarchy takes subtle forms. Some of the most common include listening to men more than women; believing that rational thought is more important than feelings and intuition; and that working for money is more valuable than parenting or homemaking.
When I counsel heterosexual couples, I often feel that my most important job is to help them confront these kinds of hierarchies. Other therapists are working with this also, and the notion of anti-patriarchal counseling is expanding……”
One huge component of inequity in relationships is the patriarchal influences, and I do suggest that patriarchal influences are one reason that men may have more affairs than women. I cite one source in my book that women are still making 70% of the income of men for the same work. I have also long noticed how many two-income families there are where the woman still does 80% of the homemaking and parenting. We expect women to be good parents and homemakers and when a guy is, the community frequently treats him like a saint!
Just this week, I was listening to two middle aged radio show hosts talk about women’s health and hormone issue on positive talk radio, and they said that listeners should consult their doctor and see what HE felt about the topic. I am sorry to criticize them, but it is important for us to stop talking as if we assume all doctors are white men!
It can be a daunting task for women to deal with the many faces of patriarchy in the world and at home. I believe strongly that if we become conscious of patriarchal inequity and seek equality in all areas of our lives we will have more intimate relationships.
There are matriarchal influences as well. Some of these may also be a backlash created by patriarchy. For example, some mothers who were abused or subjected as a child can then create households that favor female children, while subtlety putting down the males. I have also found our culture to sometimes compensate for patriarchy by being more comfortable putting down or teasing men. It is often viewed as okay to put down the “top dog.”
I ask the readers: What are some examples of male dominance in your life? What are some examples of female dominance in your life? And, What do you think the purpose of elevating ourselves over others is?
To equality and the courage to face in-equality,
To having the knowledge to turn hierarchy on its side,
And to the joy that helps us live with abandon.
Peter
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