Fantasy and The Fantasy Bond (Chapter 23 of my book) are important issues to address in all relationships, but fantasy may be at its highest in Internet dating. It is natural that as you read profiles you will be hoping that this person is “The One” or at least a suitable date, but how do you get from this fantasy to a real date or friendship? First, by working with your tendency to Fantasy Bond in general. Fantasy Bonding is the tendency to bond to the fantasy of who we need the person to be rather than the reality of who they are. In our need to have good parents, jobs, friends, or partners, we inevitably project ideals onto people and situations. Some of the hope and enthusiasm that is part of this is good, but it is fair to say that it is important to also work to be more grounded as a relationship is developing. The stronger we get on all levels, the more we will have skills at self-soothing and comforting our selves from within, the more we will be able to enjoy a new relationship with less tendency to rush into the projected fantasy that we have found “Ms Right.”
Connecting this to online searching is somewhat obvious. And, the problem with fantasy is exacerbated by others who may be misrepresenting them selves. Old Photo’s, lying about age, married men, people who are on the rebound and not available for the relationship they claim to want, women who just want a companion to buy dinner, men and women who just want flings or sex, the list goes on.
How do you sort through this?
Sometimes slowly, others by meeting quickly: I would say that a woman should never respond to a wink. Winks and Cut and Paste emails are simply a way to cast a broad net. We can’t assume that the broad net is because the broadcaster is married, a serial dater, sex addict, or has such low self-esteem that they are just trying to get anyone to respond, but the chances of these issues go up with winks and cut and pastes. So, if we respond to only inquiries that indicate the person has read our profile we are likely to be communicating with more of real person. (If you use cut and pastes yourself, I think that is fine as long as your are customizing each, and only writing people that you feel might be a fit.) I think the rules on this may differ for men and women because of the belief that relationships work best when a man does more initiating. So I think it is okay if women want to use winks as a way to ‘ping’ a man, and I would recommend men write back if interested. I do also think it is fine for women to write men (I should save the nearly vast and subtle topic of who initiates and how much, for another time). I also think it can be helpful for anyone to use a “favorites” feature as a way to indicate interest.
Next, is the issue of how much to write before talking and how much to talk (if at all) before meeting. I don’t think this is an either/or issue. There are pro’s and cons to each. Writing and or talking a lot before meeting can definitely be part of the problem with fantasy bonding. It can be a way that someone tries to create a connection before revealing a misrepresentation. But if we do little writing or talking first we also can waste an hour of our time meeting for coffee when we could have used writing or talking to discover more first. This can be further illustrated by noting that writing back and fourth a bit can expose the players. A player will not be as likely to keep an email communication moving.
The real key is for you to follow and understand your own preferences. Which is best for you? Communicating more or less before meeting? Once you meet it is important to continue to mitigate the effects of the fantasy bond and how to work with that will be the topic of an upcoming blog.
To the courage to reach for what we want,
Peter
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