Next, I would like to explore perfectionism and how it can be an aspect of poor or non-existent lovemaking. People often associate perfectionism with working tirelessly to improve something or with obsessively agonizing over how to make something perfect. I agree with these definitions, but it is helpful to realize that the most extreme symptom of perfectionism is withdrawing or not trying. Fearing that we can’t do something correctly creates performance pressure and we might resist it or avoid trying to do it. If a perfectionist is asked to draw a picture, they may be parallelized and will not even be able to try. With sex, our fears of not being able to please our partner can result in avoiding sex all together, or in being superficial or caviler and just having a quickie without admitting that we would prefer a deeper experience.
Perhaps the most extreme form of bad lovers I have heard about is men who orgasm quickly and show little interest in pleasing their partner. This sounds cold, macho and patriarchal, and it can be, but it can also be rooted in a deep-seated inadequacy, futility or fear of being unable to please a partner, so why try. I have sensed that poor male lovers are acting careless as a facade or defense, and their deeper issue is they fear failing. While letting go of selfishness and increasing their care and commitment to pleasing their partner is an obvious part of the solution, it will also help them try if they can reduce their pressure and performance anxiety. It will help both partners if they can let go of feeling that sex is a daunting task and simplify it into simple experiences that are easier to accomplish.
Men need to deal with the pressure they feel. In my book, The Monogamy Challenge, I have chapters on the problem with patriarchy and the false entitlement that patriarchy can create. It is my feeling that the privileges that society gives men over women, also create problems or burdens that men have to deal with and learn to carry without collapsing under there weight. The pressure or expectation that a man initiate relationships and sex is one of them. In my book, I also talk about how I felt as a 12-year-old boy, when I realized that if I wanted a girlfriend I was going to have to do most of the work. The sex life of many married men is not much different. If a man wants sex he is likely to have to do more initiating and even in a marriage he may withdraw instead of face possible rejection. If a man wants to have a successful relationship it will help him if he faces the pressure and chooses to move forward and figure out how to please his partner instead of withdrawing or avoiding learning how to please them. Here, I like to apply the adage: If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
But a partner can help this process by initiating more and being more complimentary by expressing acknowledgement of any kind. We can reduce pressure, perfectionism and performance anxiety by making it easier to succeed and feel like a success. Verbal and non-verbal communication about what you need and what works for you is part of this. As I shared in my last blog, express your sexual feelings along the lines of warmer/colder. Sharing more of your desire with your partner will assist in this, but being easier to please will also help. If you have issues where you fear your desire you will be holding back and that will create the appearance that you are harder to please. If you are comfortable with your desire you will be showing your partner that it is easy to please you. More desire will also increase the intimate contact and give you more opportunities to share what pleases you. By becoming more sexual yourself, you give yourself more chances to more gently ask for what you need and you partners knowledge about how to please you increases.
If it is difficult for a partner to orgasm these perfectionism issues can become easily dominant. Both parties will avoid sex if it feels like it has to be a big production. I was well into my forties before I understood that the phenomena of a woman faking orgasm originated most often from her desire to let go of the pressure that she (or her partner) felt.
Bluntly put, if you want to make a man a better lover, help him feel like one. Help him feel like he is a most successful, smart, funny man with the biggest or most productive penis in the world. Help him feel that you need the light in his penis.
Letting go of goal orientation and how receiving that light looks will help heal perfectionism and improve sex in many ways. Good sex is about being present and we can’t be present when we are trying to get someplace. Foreplay is about expressing love and care. It is not just about touch or getting to intercourse. The central aspect of what I share in my book about sacred sexuality is to be in the moment and give yourself permission to start and stop lovemaking at any time. Regardless of how feelings of perfectionism and goal orientation are occurring, love making needs to be broken down to simple and attainable moments.
It can help to plan on not orgasming at all. Even if orgasm is not difficult it can be very freeing to let go of having it as a goal or purpose of lovemaking. In the sacred sexuality arena letting go of orgasm as a goal helps create more depth in the moment and to the sharing of love. In the area of perfectionism it makes it easier to have successful sex. It would even help a most selfish lover become a better lover because of the reasons I share throughout this blog, but also because it helps discuss the length of lovemaking more explicitly. In short, letting go of orgasm helps us look at and discuss elements of lovemaking that are more important. It helps us move into bigger topics of intimacy and love, and it is nearly ironic that when we go deeper with these we will also be more able to orgasm.
There are many sexual issues that can be improved if couples schedule sex and I have often made that suggestion. In recent years, I have stated this as “scheduling foreplay” and let go of the expectation that it necessarily lead to intercourse. It is thru pleasing each other in foreplay that you will then be more likely to continue lovemaking. Plus, you will have broken the ice on some of your withdraw habits and you will be well on the way to learning more and more about how to please your partner.
This is a big topic and is hard to summarize. Ask yourself: How could you acknowledge your partner in all areas of life? How you could take some pressure off and be more sexual? How could you express more desire and satisfaction sexually? And, how could you speak up and ask for more of what you need? If you are single: How could you help a relationship grow by keeping things simpler, thus creating a sense that things are going well?
To our feeling good enough and having the strength to express it.
Peter
Leave a Reply